January 25, 2014

• A secret meeting in Rome

  I have just closed the pages of the book: “A secret meeting in Rome”, the last pages still refraining through my mind. I reach out to hold on to the moment of the thoughts and feelings that rushes through my mind. I hope in this entry that I will capture something of the essence of the significance that permeates my being. I do not really car if what is written by me is understood of misunderstood…I hope to capture something so that I can later recapture again the peculiar combination of insight and feeling that surrounds me like a cloud. The spirit of the author vibrates still within me and yet, it is not his spirit by my own …animated by his words.

  I drew the Hanged man on the Tuesday when I received the book as a casual gift. This morning I see differently. I see things that I have not seen before. So many lines spun into my life is suddenly pointing towards a conjuncture of coming together. Am I plotting my own course through this world or is it guided by forces beyond me? What role has my intuition played in this and what role did my intelligence played in this. Despite apparent success I have always seen my lack of financial wealth and a lack of professional depth as a failure on my part. But now I look back and see it was sufficient for if I had more success my attention would have been detracted from the path I had to follow. If in either I had tasted more success the taste of it would have taken me on a side walk which would have thwarted my life path into a side path that would take many more reincarnations to correct. I sometimes wondered about this struggle within me between being in the world as an Industrial Engineer developing information systems and my mystical world of searching for meaning beyond the world of the apparent. I asked myself why am I not a pastor or a preacher so that I could have dedicated my life to my spiritual quest. Even that path would have distracted me from the real purpose of finding unity within the dyadic world I inhabit.

  In one fleeting moment so many of the paths I followed, my lines of thinking, the views that formed and shaped my mind has pointed to one conjecture where all is meeting. From the time I started blogging on Xanga, I already had the archetypes of Wizard and Warrior, I wrote about it…the Wizard bringing the zeal and the warrior the life with the stability of 4 cardinal points in the centre. I chose the handle Zeal4Living with its 11 characters and within it I locked up a deep meaning. Now after almost nine years I see where these two archetypes have led me. The seven pointed star of Riggh which I have received at the age of ten suddenly has a new meaning within my life. I know where my journey started but now for the first time I have a more complete view of where I am heading.

  Will I reach in this life that point where all these sparks of light is pointing me towards or is this life just a preparation, a stepping stone of what is to come. When I cast my view back across the footsteps I have left behind I begin to sense with urgency that it is not individual steps but a pathway I had chosen to walk. The picture of how all will combine into a moment of bifurcation is still unclear to me. I can not see in my mind’s eye the apex of this life and where it will lead. Maybe it is just to be an influential leader to the twenty or so people that has walked with me in the last year… I sense there is more. It is a sense of mission that I carried with me since that time of my tenth birthday.

  I was initiated into the path I was about to travel. One part of the puzzle still remains unsolved. Why was I initiated onto the path by a black man from Africa. All my traditions point back to a western esoteric path, western karmic patterns and western thought…and yet I was not put on my path by any of those. I was put on my path by a humble black man without name and without any possession except the warmth of a fire in the winter. I can see how so many things has guided me along my path to find myself at this present moment of being since that one day. I remember that I was told that I will die at the age of forty… at my initiation. It was always a point of concern in my youthful mind because I confused it with a real and actual death of the body. Now I can see that I joined my fraternity of brothers and sisters at the age of forty…shortly after my birthday. The forty years before was a walk in the desert, preparing me to learn and to see.

  These mentioned are but singular threads that are suddenly no longer loose threads but part of a tapestry with a pattern. Before I joined the fraternity my other point of transformation was in 1996 when I traveled to see Saul Kuchinsky to be initiated by him on an earlier path of inner growth. The preparation for that path happened a long time before that…but it was in 1996 that I unknowingly opened myself up to be guided across the threshold of my personal history and mythology. It was not an epitome of revelation but it marked such a change that whenever I look back, I can see that point as a point when a different grade of light entered into my inner being. It was nine years before my joining of the fraternity.

  There are books that has slowly opened up a way for me…meeting me when I was ready to perceive the message. The first probably the book by Saul Kuchinsky. I often wonder if he knew what he did for me and whether the role he played was ever one of conscious awareness. Some were children books without apparent content that made a profound impact, not due to its content but due to the treasure of hope and promise it fixated in my mind. Later I found more direct guidance in books from the strangest origins. Seldom was it a book from that has sold millions of copies….most of the time it would be an obscure book in the corner of a second hand book shop to be discarded by most as useless. Yet in what is useless I have often discovered the most value for my own inner being.

  I can see in every step of the way a guiding force that has lead me gently….through tough times as well as good times with consistency. Even at times I felt lost there was a flame in the sky that lead Israel through the desert that remained with me. I blogged over the years about some moments that stood out…at times in the form of a poem and at others merely as a question still unanswered. There is Cosmic guidance for all but it also requires some level of intuition to be open for that guidance. It requires some level of a burning need within that is fueled by cosmic guidance. When the moment come to hear the answer one must have the inner ear to hear the voice of conscience. If only I remain truthful to my own path that was given to me, I will have a significant life. I would like to see my life bearing the fruit of a legacy left behind for three of four generations to benefit from. I no longer know if that is feasible but it is somehow less important. What is important is the continued growth on the path that has been uniquely carved out for me. In its own way it will leave its own mark…the mark I had to leave and which was set out for me.

  How do I explain this inner light of awareness that has come to me over the last year? To many it will seem delusional, strange and for others it might even fill with a fear that repels me from them. However more than ever I know that I am carrying a light that only I can carry and that light has a purpose. I might not know the full reach of this light in the darkness but I know it is given to me as as task to carry the light as far as I am allowed to carry it. I am not a prisoner of circumstances….even though I have to live within limits. I am a free spirit, that can not be contained even if physically constrained.

  It is done. I wrote down the words that burned in my heart. I do not know if I gave adequate expression to my emotions. I am always lacking in my ability to pin down the emotion that comes with a moment of deep insight. I often fail to covey the radiance of being alive when suddenly you look back and see that you have passed a threshold. It will take time to consolidate all the feelings, emotions and thoughts that blazed through my being. I know I will have to read this little book once more for there is still much I must pull out and note down. It is a call for me to trust my intuition more and open myself up more to be led by the apparent synchronicities that happen by change and yet fills my life with essential meaning.

  Every step we take in life is meaningful, every relationship significant, every moment precious.

  • 4:55 am
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